I don’t know what it is about me. Despite knowing better, I wear my heart out on my sleeve only time and time again to get it stamped out on the floor. I know there’s a better way, I know I should guard it, I know this is not how God wants me to spend my time. But Despite everything I know. I continue to leave it unguarded, to leave it vulnerable. I wish I knew why.

For the third time in a row, I got captivated by a girl I really knew wasn’t a girl I should be captivated by. For the third time in a row, I fell for a girl who I really knew was too far away to fall for. For the third time in a row, I let my heart wander too far when I really knew I shouldn’t let it wander that far. Even though we weren’t dating, just flirting, I let my heart grow too fond, to the point I badly wanted to date and it felt almost like we were dating. The first time, I found out the girl did drugs and not only that, just took the pills that were handed to her without asking what they were. The second one got engaged to her best-friend out of the blue. This one decided to start dating a guy she told me she knew isn’t worth dating, but is willing (quote) “to give him a try” (end qoute).

I bit my tongue, well tried to. I’m not good at holding it, even if bitten down on. I’m also not good at saying what I really want to say either. “Willing to give him a try” is right up there with “I want to find someone like you” on my list of infuriatingly stupid phrases. If he’s not worth giving a try and you know this because you hang out with him all the time, what is dating him going to change? When a person is around his friends, they show their true colors. The grand majority become fake when dating. They put on their nicest clothes, take on their finest manners, and even some go so far as to pull on their best vocabulary to impress someone.

If the guy is a prick to you around his friends when you’re not dating, it’s a good sign he’ll be a prick to you when you are. Oh not at first, no, he’ll entice you by being nice at first, but once you’re snared, he’ll go back to his old tricks. I used to be this guy, sadly enough. I saw these kinds of guys were getting all the girls so I became one. Dumb reason, I know, but I was a dumb person. Not to say that I’m not dumb anymore; I’m just a different kind of dumb as mentioned in the previous paragraphs.

I just wish her the best in this. As for me, I really need to just continually remind myself that this need to have someone in my life isn’t really a need, but a want. It’s a gift from God that He does not bestow upon everyone and I’m merely being selfish, focusing away from him and coveting. In the deepest sense, I’m coveting another man’s wife. I don’t want anyone’s wife specifically, I just want a wife, but why do I want a wife? Well, because I see the married couples around me and I say, “I want that! I want to be married, I want to have a family, I want to have a house, I want to have a dog, I want to have a white picket fence; I want the whole nine yards.” Isn’t that what coveting is? And it’s selfish; I want, I want, I want. See? I’m focusing on me and my wants, not I Am and His wants. What does I Am want?

It’s moments like this that I find myself understanding God and his commandments better. Most of the world looks at them and says, “God’s a cosmic buzzkill.” I say His commands are showing you the very keys to happiness and not even I can seem to remember that. Why does He say not to covet? Because it makes you want what you don’t really need. The want turns to envy, the envy to frustration, the frustration to anger, and the anger to bitterness. I’m currently at the frustration stage, and unless I actually do something about it, I fear it will soon reach anger, and then bitterness. The problem is, the envy is towards other people; but the frustration, anger, and bitterness are toward God for what we perceive as Him not meeting us our “needs”.

I just pray that you all pray for me. I know I’m reluctant to ask for prayer on myself, which may seem a selfless thing, but it’s really selfish pride and partly fear. For the Selfish part, Toast put it quite well today at 4th Memorial’s College Group when he talked about people trying to build themselves up to be better than what they are. For the fear part, Dave Thule put it quite will when he was talking about fear of rejection and ostracization. Pray for me none the less, I’m trying to be more transparent than I have been.