Today has just been one of those days when I wish I knew the future. I think everything came crashing down today. I’ve been feeling dry for the last few months, ever since my car’s engine cratered, leaving me with more debt. It seems every time I finally conquer debt, life throws me deeper into it. I had just payed my last payment to the card my tires went on when this happened. It took me a year and a half to pay off the 600 dollars. How long will 3000 take me? I need another job, but I don’t know where or what. I’m not really a people person, so that limits me.

I started the day without getting so much as a “Hello” from Kristen this morning, and nothing last night either. I think she and I are done, but she doesn’t want to face me and say it. I saved her the trouble and simply removed all contacts I had for her; phone, email, address, her mother’s phone, all of it. I suppose if she still wants to be my friend, she can contact me when she’s ready to talk. To be my girlfriend like she so badly wanted to be, she may have lost her opportunity. I don’t heal well and my urge to trust her with any of my heart again is almost nil right now. Though, she shouldn’t feel bad. My urge to trust anything that has breath with my heart right now is almost nil. So, it’s not just her. If she really wants it, she can fight to earn it back. I feel sorry for any girl that tries though. I’m not even sure where my heart is now. It may just be shattered into a million shards and scattered far and wide. I’ve never had some draw me in so strongly. Like all the girls before, she played games with my heart and eventually broke it. Only this time the drop was from a long ways up.

Add the abnormally stressful day at work this morning and it just further set the tone. It culminated with me having an incident with a canister coming off a dolly and onto the ground. I’ve never been so close to breaking down in public. I did in the car on the way to work though. I almost thought I might need to pull off into a parking lot. Every song somehow fit my situation or somehow reminded me of Kristen. Today also marked 4 years since I last flew.

Then conversation this morning at work just served to further drag me down as I realized just what a worthless pile of crap I am right now. 26 and living at home with my dad, in a part time job, and paying nothing but gas and car insurance. This isn’t where I envisioned myself being right now. 10 years ago, I would have told you I’d be happily married with a family just starting, just moving into a decent house, and a few years into my career as a pilot. None of those dreams are close to coming true. I don’t think they ever will. I wish I could see the future, but then again, I may not like what I see.