Over the weekend, I read C. S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. An interesting read, it forced me to examine my life in only the matter of a few hours. The subject matter of the book and the concepts evoked in the story further stirred things up in me that have been stirring in recent months. God is at work in it, though I do not pretend to know what the end results will be. As of now, I feel that I am one of the Ghosts rather than the Spirits. It is the latter I wish to be, rather than the retched creature of the former.
The Ghosts of Hell are marked predominately with a self-righteousness that clouds them from all reason and keeps them in a miserable prison of their own making. At first, I felt sorry for them in their state, then soon came to see that they were in their state by their own choice. They couldn’t see past themselves to see what lay beyond. It was soon that I realized I fell in with their company. My dreams, desires, and ambitions combined with the failure of all of them have left me rather cynical and starting down a path toward bitterness. I shudder at the though of what I will become if I follow it to it’s end. Now I see that I must back-track until I find the true path that God has created for me, a path that leads to Joy and to Him. Or else, I shall surely imprison myself in a cell of my own building.
However, I’m unsure where to even start. How does one let go of intangible things? While frail as pottery, I only wish they were as easily thrown out. I seem content to hold onto the shards and seek to somehow piece them back together, but I have only cut my hands on them. Tossing out physical pottery would be far easier. Perhaps it is because these figurative pots once contained happiness that I cling to their shards so. A vain hope that they can be made to hold happiness again. I struggle to let God be my joy, but I rebel far too often, again turning to my precious pottery. The desires are strong and surely of God, but as mentioned in The Great Divorce, they’ve been perverted from their real forms.
Taking the advice of Chuck Swindoll in Intamacy with the Almighty, I believe the first step is simplicity. I need to clean my home, change my priorities, reevaluate how I spend my time, how I spend my money, and come to a point I fear nothing more than God and love nothing more than God. Nothing less, or else I will surely perish with the Ghosts.
Yet, still, I’m haunted by the dream I had years ago. I wish I knew of an interpreter of dreams, but the interpretation in my own heart is that it tells of a future fall from grace. Whether or not it is prophetic or cautionary, I wish I knew. I hope it is only a warning of where I could be headed and not of where I’m headed.