Author: John Morgan

  • This Vapor We Call Life

    Today, I attended the memorial service of a guy I graduated high-school with. While we were never all that close in school or after it, I still felt compelled to pay my respects. It was not that the man was unlikable that I was never close to him, but that we ran in different circles in high school. Such is the reality of public high school society; you identify people with their cliques and not with their attributes. After school, I didn’t keep contact with many. It saddens me a bit to realize I’ve failed to stay in touch with any of the people I went to school with.

    Since his death, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life; something that the death of those around me seems to always bring on. As when Jack died last year, I felt almost a sense of shame at the memorial. Both men have left a large impact on a great many people, and a great many people came to remember both. I fear that the same would not be said of me if I were to die today. Who could say the world lost anything in my passing? What mark would I leave? I’m afraid either list would be short.

    For a brief moment; I felt as though such thoughts were selfish, but soon I realized God is using this shame to spur me on and take me out of this malaise I’ve been mired in for too long. Satan would be thrilled if I hold on to that feeling of selfishness and avert from doing anything of worth. I must be on guard, however, to not venture too far the other direction. It is possible to become prideful and boastful in one’s good works. No, any good works I do must be properly attributed to God’s work in me and through me. For I well know that it is only by his providence, guidance, and power that I am even where I am today.

    I feel stirred to try and get into flight school again and finish what I started so many years ago. I should have finished five years ago, and be well on my way into my career. I could be doing something with my life, and doing something I love and enjoy. Mike is unable to finish his dream, so I feel I should finish mine in his honor.

    I also feel shame that while his faith was growing, mine was waning. He was gaining strength from the Lord, and I was seeking strength in myself. I need to seek after the Lord again. I need to take hold of Him again. God used Mike in these short few months of his remaining life and it’s inspiring. It was clear at the memorial that he has already inspired several people. I pray that the testimony of his life reaches others yet.

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  • Being the Body of Christ

    I was sitting at a red light downtown last night when I was struck with a thought. It was sparked by seeing a homeless woman holding a sign that read, “Anything helps”. As I sat there, I tried to avoid eye contact as I felt pity on her and knew I had no cash on me to offer — other than $35 in Canadian currency, which is of little use in Spokane. Driving away, the thought struck me; never in the Gospels is there mention of Jesus handing out money to the homeless. While it doesn’t expressly imply that he never assisted those in need with financial assistance, I believe it gives a stronger implication about how best to help those in need, one that is starting to take root.

    Jesus came into contact with many who were homeless beggars throughout his earthly ministry, but his actions were markedly different from what his followers do today. It is easy and simple to hand out financial assistance, but it really doesn’t alleviate their condition. Yet it is exactly this method we, as Christians, often take. “Here’s five bucks. It’s all I can spare, but I hope it helps.” Five dollars can get you a few meals if you have means to cook. I can buy several cans of Campbell’s Soup on five dollars, but then I’m back to wondering how I’ll afford to buy more when the money runs out. Have you really addressed their need?

    When Jesus came into contact with the man born lame, he did not just drop a few coins at his feet and say, “Here. Get something to eat.” Jesus addressed his real need, both physical and spiritual. He first says, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven,” (Matt. 9:2) then he addresses his physical need and commands him to get up and walk.

    The people we encounter in our own daily lives may not be born lame, but their needs are no less requiring a long-term fix. The homeless are not in need of a simple hand out. They are in need of sustainable income. Granted, there are those that are homeless by choice and have made panhandling a vocation (and scripture addresses this as well); the majority do not want to be in their current circumstance. Are we willing to take the time to truly address their need. Are we willing to develop meaningful relationships with those in need? Are we willing to support and encourage these individuals until they are able to “stand on their own two feet” or do we leave them lying in their situation? If in the same circumstance, what would you be longing for most? A temporary handout or someone who helped you find long-term employment and a way off the street? Perhaps we should follow in Jesus’ footsteps and reach them, get to know them. Then, we can truly be the Body of Christ and let Jesus continue to heal the lost and broken.

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  • Let the Insanity Begin

    After skipping the past two years, I’m again contemplating joining the insanity that is National Novel Writing Month (known affectionately by its participants as NaNoWriMo). The challenge is to write 50,000 words of prose within the thirty days of November. Nothing is ventured, nothing is gained. You merely have the inner satisfaction of knowing you were able to beat the deadline. I’ve participated twice in the past and the closest I believe I ever came was with 24,000 words. I have nine days to decide.

    The contest is now international, but has still kept its moniker of NaNoWriMo (InNoWriMo just lacks the same ring). What started out as a friendly challenge between a small group in the San Fransisco Bay Area in 1999 has since taken off to become a promotion of creative writing. In addition to the competition, the Office of Letters and Light (as the organization administration calls themselves), also has developed the Young Writers Program to educate young writers and to assist educators in bringing the NaNoWriMo program to the classroom. If you’re an educator or a parent looking to encourage your children to write, I would highly recommend you look into the Young Writers Program.

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  • Ending an Era

    Next week today comes the end of an era in my life; one that likely should have ended sooner. I’ve been going to College Life, the college group at Life Center, for five years now. Though, I haven’t been in college for the last four years and I passed the upper age-limit of 24 nearly two years ago. For the past six months, the atmosphere has changed or else I have just reached an age where I have changed. Either way, I feel I’ve lost the connection I once had to the group. My closest friends have all moved away or moved on, and the newcomers all have little in common with me. It makes me feel old.

    I was part of the leadership team for a year and a half of it — not that I did much of any leading — but I think that’s why I stayed as long as I have. I’m very much a behind-the-scenes person, so I didn’t mind that I was never really recognized as part of the leadership team outside of the team itself. It goes back to enjoying life as a man of no note. I can honestly say the best things I got from that experience are the thought-provoking questions Bobby would give us. While I don’t have answers to many of them still, I continue to work on finding those answers.

    Around half a year ago, Bobby met with all the leaders before he took his sabaticle. By that point I’d already been mulling around the idea since I wasn’t feeling overly useful in the leadership team or particularly like I belonged at College Life anymore. I didn’t tell him that much, but that I was planning on “fading out”. Fading out is what I have been doing mostly for the past several months since then. When Bobby wanted to meet with me this week about making plans to move on, I was neither surprised nor miffed. It was a confirmation that I was already on the right path, though I accelerated my timetable. I had originally planned for the end of August when the new college freshman would start arriving and to give me more time to find other groups for fellowship. Tonight I realized I have no real connection to the group now as it is, so there is no further point in holding until the end of August. Eventually I will find new connections somewhere.

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  • God’s Plan

    Tonight at College Life, Brad Williams spoke on the life of Nehemiah as it pertains to us. Nehemiah was grieved by the news from Jerusalem during the exile, and over time came to a position to do something about it. God laid a desire in his heart and then presented the opportunity to speak with King Ataraxeses, who bewilderingly granted him the ability to rebuild his homeland.

    Brad challenged us to look at the things that tug at our hearts when we see or hear them and they make us say, “Something needs to be done!” I’ve had those moments and they always involved women in crisis — be it spousal abuse, sex slavery, deep depression, or victims of sexual crimes — yet I have always written it of heretofore. I know there might be a calling in it, but I’ve made my list of excuses.

    I tell myself it’s something better suited to other women to handle or that being a guy I just wouldn’t have anything they could identify with. While there might be some truth to it, I also realize that many of these women have lost trust in men due to the men who violated them; having at least one godly man in their lives might help them heal that wound.

    How does one enter into that sort of calling though? Who do I approach and talk with about it? For that matter, is it really a God-calling or just a strong reaction to a terrible injustice? As Brad said tonight, Nehemiah’s calling took a while from the initial desire to the point he was given the opportunity. I guess I just need to wait for that opportunity to present itself if it really is God’s desire.

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  • The Ghosts and the Spirits

    Over the weekend, I read C. S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. An interesting read, it forced me to examine my life in only the matter of a few hours. The subject matter of the book and the concepts evoked in the story further stirred things up in me that have been stirring in recent months. God is at work in it, though I do not pretend to know what the end results will be. As of now, I feel that I am one of the Ghosts rather than the Spirits. It is the latter I wish to be, rather than the retched creature of the former.

    The Ghosts of Hell are marked predominately with a self-righteousness that clouds them from all reason and keeps them in a miserable prison of their own making. At first, I felt sorry for them in their state, then soon came to see that they were in their state by their own choice. They couldn’t see past themselves to see what lay beyond. It was soon that I realized I fell in with their company. My dreams, desires, and ambitions combined with the failure of all of them have left me rather cynical and starting down a path toward bitterness. I shudder at the though of what I will become if I follow it to it’s end. Now I see that I must back-track until I find the true path that God has created for me, a path that leads to Joy and to Him. Or else, I shall surely imprison myself in a cell of my own building.

    However, I’m unsure where to even start. How does one let go of intangible things? While frail as pottery, I only wish they were as easily thrown out. I seem content to hold onto the shards and seek to somehow piece them back together, but I have only cut my hands on them. Tossing out physical pottery would be far easier. Perhaps it is because these figurative pots once contained happiness that I cling to their shards so. A vain hope that they can be made to hold happiness again. I struggle to let God be my joy, but I rebel far too often, again turning to my precious pottery. The desires are strong and surely of God, but as mentioned in The Great Divorce, they’ve been perverted from their real forms.

    Taking the advice of Chuck Swindoll in Intamacy with the Almighty, I believe the first step is simplicity. I need to clean my home, change my priorities, reevaluate how I spend my time, how I spend my money, and come to a point I fear nothing more than God and love nothing more than God. Nothing less, or else I will surely perish with the Ghosts.

    Yet, still, I’m haunted by the dream I had years ago. I wish I knew of an interpreter of dreams, but the interpretation in my own heart is that it tells of a future fall from grace. Whether or not it is prophetic or cautionary, I wish I knew. I hope it is only a warning of where I could be headed and not of where I’m headed.

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  • Thanksgiving

    As I listened to Paster Joe’s sermon last night, I found myself a little struck — “soul punched” as Josh Schiel would say. Lately, I’ve been so frazzled and feeling worn down by events happening around me beyond my control, that I haven’t taken the time to thank God for all He’s given me. It’s easy to get wrapped up, and focused on what’s going wrong and forget everything that’s going right.

    It also doesn’t help that I’ve been putting God on the back burner more and more. I have no excuse for it. I have plenty of time to give God, but seem to spend it on myself. Seems to always be the way, especially when I’m stressed. I tend to retreat into my video games. They seem to allow me vent out my frustrations, or give me a task to focus on and let me cool down. The trouble is that, when I turn them off, I’m back to thinking about everything that frustrates me and I’m no better off than when I started.

    Pastor Joe had us do an exercise last night that I may try to do on a weekly basis — take a moment to sit and write down all the things I thank God for. There were quite a few. Despite being in the shop right now, I even thank God for my car. The exercise reminded me of something G.K. Chesterson said, “When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

    Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

    You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.”

    How differrent my life would be if I were to live that way. I imagine in the least, it would go a long way towards delaying a heart attack from chronic high blood pressure.

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  • Life Sucks Sometimes

    Today has just been one of those days when I wish I knew the future. I think everything came crashing down today. I’ve been feeling dry for the last few months, ever since my car’s engine cratered, leaving me with more debt. It seems every time I finally conquer debt, life throws me deeper into it. I had just payed my last payment to the card my tires went on when this happened. It took me a year and a half to pay off the 600 dollars. How long will 3000 take me? I need another job, but I don’t know where or what. I’m not really a people person, so that limits me.

    I started the day without getting so much as a “Hello” from Kristen this morning, and nothing last night either. I think she and I are done, but she doesn’t want to face me and say it. I saved her the trouble and simply removed all contacts I had for her; phone, email, address, her mother’s phone, all of it. I suppose if she still wants to be my friend, she can contact me when she’s ready to talk. To be my girlfriend like she so badly wanted to be, she may have lost her opportunity. I don’t heal well and my urge to trust her with any of my heart again is almost nil right now. Though, she shouldn’t feel bad. My urge to trust anything that has breath with my heart right now is almost nil. So, it’s not just her. If she really wants it, she can fight to earn it back. I feel sorry for any girl that tries though. I’m not even sure where my heart is now. It may just be shattered into a million shards and scattered far and wide. I’ve never had some draw me in so strongly. Like all the girls before, she played games with my heart and eventually broke it. Only this time the drop was from a long ways up.

    Add the abnormally stressful day at work this morning and it just further set the tone. It culminated with me having an incident with a canister coming off a dolly and onto the ground. I’ve never been so close to breaking down in public. I did in the car on the way to work though. I almost thought I might need to pull off into a parking lot. Every song somehow fit my situation or somehow reminded me of Kristen. Today also marked 4 years since I last flew.

    Then conversation this morning at work just served to further drag me down as I realized just what a worthless pile of crap I am right now. 26 and living at home with my dad, in a part time job, and paying nothing but gas and car insurance. This isn’t where I envisioned myself being right now. 10 years ago, I would have told you I’d be happily married with a family just starting, just moving into a decent house, and a few years into my career as a pilot. None of those dreams are close to coming true. I don’t think they ever will. I wish I could see the future, but then again, I may not like what I see.

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  • Shameless Product Plug – The Apple iPhone

    I’ll admit it. I finally joined the iPhone nation a week ago after my father offered to buy one for me. My last phone was about 3 years old and the airport was starting to take its toll on it. Already this blasted thing is sucking the life out of me.

    Now I have the Internet at my fingertips, along with instant access to thousands of gizmos that can do just about everything — including the one I’m using to write this blog post — and the entire iTunes store. It was about two years before I started using all the features of my last phone. It took me all of two days with this one.

    I’ve already downloaded several games that have been highly entertaining, an app for tracking and sending prayers, one for tracking car expenses, and even one simply to take and categorize notes.

    The only complaint I have right now is that the battery life tend to be rather short, and the car charger for my old iPod doesn’t work with it, but I’ll be getting one for it soon. Now if I could only pry it out of my own hands for more than two minutes.

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  • Sometimes You’ve Just Got To Write

    It’s been a long while since I’ve used this thing — not that I expect anyone really reads it yet — so I figure I should at least make an attempt to write more regularly in this thing. After all, I pay nearly $10 a month for the server space that this and my world-building project take up.

    Speaking of which, the world building project is going well so far and I’ve mostly completed the main world my stories will revolve around. However, I still need to put some finer touches to the rainfall and tempurature data to make me happy with the results. Unfortunately, it seems everytime I load the file back up, both sets of data change up. It’s likely the randomizers built into Fractal Terrains, but it’s annoying nonetheless. It’ll be nice to just get it finished the way I like it, all in one sitting, so I don’t have to worry about it. After that, it’s a matter of fleshing out the history, geology, and other information. Normally, I wouldn’t go into so much detail, but I hope to someday make a role-play MUSH out of the setting. It also helps to keep me consistant in my writing.

    In other news, I just completed my first league on Power Soccer, and actually grabbed the top spot in my bracket. I’m still waiting to see if there is a playoff or not for the Amature League brackets. It’s not a huge bragging point since I’m only one of two that bothered to complete all 24 games. The 2nd-place finisher was the other. 3rd-place only bothered to finish 19 games and 10, 11, and 12 only played one game yet are still considered to be passing on. It seems there are others on Power Soccer that would like to see some sort of change up to get more participation out of people that play just enough games to pass over the little green bar in a given bracket.

    Still, the experience was enough to make it seem worth it to purchase a club membership to keep playing league games and to unlock the extra formations not available to free members. As much as I love the 4-4-2 and 3-4-3, I do like the option to change it up every once in a while. The ability to set specific players attack attitudes is also nice. We’ll see how I do in the coming league next month.

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