Category: General

  • This Vapor We Call Life

    Today, I attended the memorial service of a guy I graduated high-school with. While we were never all that close in school or after it, I still felt compelled to pay my respects. It was not that the man was unlikable that I was never close to him, but that we ran in different circles in high school. Such is the reality of public high school society; you identify people with their cliques and not with their attributes. After school, I didn’t keep contact with many. It saddens me a bit to realize I’ve failed to stay in touch with any of the people I went to school with.

    Since his death, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life; something that the death of those around me seems to always bring on. As when Jack died last year, I felt almost a sense of shame at the memorial. Both men have left a large impact on a great many people, and a great many people came to remember both. I fear that the same would not be said of me if I were to die today. Who could say the world lost anything in my passing? What mark would I leave? I’m afraid either list would be short.

    For a brief moment; I felt as though such thoughts were selfish, but soon I realized God is using this shame to spur me on and take me out of this malaise I’ve been mired in for too long. Satan would be thrilled if I hold on to that feeling of selfishness and avert from doing anything of worth. I must be on guard, however, to not venture too far the other direction. It is possible to become prideful and boastful in one’s good works. No, any good works I do must be properly attributed to God’s work in me and through me. For I well know that it is only by his providence, guidance, and power that I am even where I am today.

    I feel stirred to try and get into flight school again and finish what I started so many years ago. I should have finished five years ago, and be well on my way into my career. I could be doing something with my life, and doing something I love and enjoy. Mike is unable to finish his dream, so I feel I should finish mine in his honor.

    I also feel shame that while his faith was growing, mine was waning. He was gaining strength from the Lord, and I was seeking strength in myself. I need to seek after the Lord again. I need to take hold of Him again. God used Mike in these short few months of his remaining life and it’s inspiring. It was clear at the memorial that he has already inspired several people. I pray that the testimony of his life reaches others yet.

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  • Ending an Era

    Next week today comes the end of an era in my life; one that likely should have ended sooner. I’ve been going to College Life, the college group at Life Center, for five years now. Though, I haven’t been in college for the last four years and I passed the upper age-limit of 24 nearly two years ago. For the past six months, the atmosphere has changed or else I have just reached an age where I have changed. Either way, I feel I’ve lost the connection I once had to the group. My closest friends have all moved away or moved on, and the newcomers all have little in common with me. It makes me feel old.

    I was part of the leadership team for a year and a half of it — not that I did much of any leading — but I think that’s why I stayed as long as I have. I’m very much a behind-the-scenes person, so I didn’t mind that I was never really recognized as part of the leadership team outside of the team itself. It goes back to enjoying life as a man of no note. I can honestly say the best things I got from that experience are the thought-provoking questions Bobby would give us. While I don’t have answers to many of them still, I continue to work on finding those answers.

    Around half a year ago, Bobby met with all the leaders before he took his sabaticle. By that point I’d already been mulling around the idea since I wasn’t feeling overly useful in the leadership team or particularly like I belonged at College Life anymore. I didn’t tell him that much, but that I was planning on “fading out”. Fading out is what I have been doing mostly for the past several months since then. When Bobby wanted to meet with me this week about making plans to move on, I was neither surprised nor miffed. It was a confirmation that I was already on the right path, though I accelerated my timetable. I had originally planned for the end of August when the new college freshman would start arriving and to give me more time to find other groups for fellowship. Tonight I realized I have no real connection to the group now as it is, so there is no further point in holding until the end of August. Eventually I will find new connections somewhere.

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  • God’s Plan

    Tonight at College Life, Brad Williams spoke on the life of Nehemiah as it pertains to us. Nehemiah was grieved by the news from Jerusalem during the exile, and over time came to a position to do something about it. God laid a desire in his heart and then presented the opportunity to speak with King Ataraxeses, who bewilderingly granted him the ability to rebuild his homeland.

    Brad challenged us to look at the things that tug at our hearts when we see or hear them and they make us say, “Something needs to be done!” I’ve had those moments and they always involved women in crisis — be it spousal abuse, sex slavery, deep depression, or victims of sexual crimes — yet I have always written it of heretofore. I know there might be a calling in it, but I’ve made my list of excuses.

    I tell myself it’s something better suited to other women to handle or that being a guy I just wouldn’t have anything they could identify with. While there might be some truth to it, I also realize that many of these women have lost trust in men due to the men who violated them; having at least one godly man in their lives might help them heal that wound.

    How does one enter into that sort of calling though? Who do I approach and talk with about it? For that matter, is it really a God-calling or just a strong reaction to a terrible injustice? As Brad said tonight, Nehemiah’s calling took a while from the initial desire to the point he was given the opportunity. I guess I just need to wait for that opportunity to present itself if it really is God’s desire.

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  • Thanksgiving

    As I listened to Paster Joe’s sermon last night, I found myself a little struck — “soul punched” as Josh Schiel would say. Lately, I’ve been so frazzled and feeling worn down by events happening around me beyond my control, that I haven’t taken the time to thank God for all He’s given me. It’s easy to get wrapped up, and focused on what’s going wrong and forget everything that’s going right.

    It also doesn’t help that I’ve been putting God on the back burner more and more. I have no excuse for it. I have plenty of time to give God, but seem to spend it on myself. Seems to always be the way, especially when I’m stressed. I tend to retreat into my video games. They seem to allow me vent out my frustrations, or give me a task to focus on and let me cool down. The trouble is that, when I turn them off, I’m back to thinking about everything that frustrates me and I’m no better off than when I started.

    Pastor Joe had us do an exercise last night that I may try to do on a weekly basis — take a moment to sit and write down all the things I thank God for. There were quite a few. Despite being in the shop right now, I even thank God for my car. The exercise reminded me of something G.K. Chesterson said, “When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

    Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

    You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.”

    How differrent my life would be if I were to live that way. I imagine in the least, it would go a long way towards delaying a heart attack from chronic high blood pressure.

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  • Life Sucks Sometimes

    Today has just been one of those days when I wish I knew the future. I think everything came crashing down today. I’ve been feeling dry for the last few months, ever since my car’s engine cratered, leaving me with more debt. It seems every time I finally conquer debt, life throws me deeper into it. I had just payed my last payment to the card my tires went on when this happened. It took me a year and a half to pay off the 600 dollars. How long will 3000 take me? I need another job, but I don’t know where or what. I’m not really a people person, so that limits me.

    I started the day without getting so much as a “Hello” from Kristen this morning, and nothing last night either. I think she and I are done, but she doesn’t want to face me and say it. I saved her the trouble and simply removed all contacts I had for her; phone, email, address, her mother’s phone, all of it. I suppose if she still wants to be my friend, she can contact me when she’s ready to talk. To be my girlfriend like she so badly wanted to be, she may have lost her opportunity. I don’t heal well and my urge to trust her with any of my heart again is almost nil right now. Though, she shouldn’t feel bad. My urge to trust anything that has breath with my heart right now is almost nil. So, it’s not just her. If she really wants it, she can fight to earn it back. I feel sorry for any girl that tries though. I’m not even sure where my heart is now. It may just be shattered into a million shards and scattered far and wide. I’ve never had some draw me in so strongly. Like all the girls before, she played games with my heart and eventually broke it. Only this time the drop was from a long ways up.

    Add the abnormally stressful day at work this morning and it just further set the tone. It culminated with me having an incident with a canister coming off a dolly and onto the ground. I’ve never been so close to breaking down in public. I did in the car on the way to work though. I almost thought I might need to pull off into a parking lot. Every song somehow fit my situation or somehow reminded me of Kristen. Today also marked 4 years since I last flew.

    Then conversation this morning at work just served to further drag me down as I realized just what a worthless pile of crap I am right now. 26 and living at home with my dad, in a part time job, and paying nothing but gas and car insurance. This isn’t where I envisioned myself being right now. 10 years ago, I would have told you I’d be happily married with a family just starting, just moving into a decent house, and a few years into my career as a pilot. None of those dreams are close to coming true. I don’t think they ever will. I wish I could see the future, but then again, I may not like what I see.

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  • What A Fine Mess You’ve Gotten Me Into This Time, Heart

    I don’t know what it is about me. Despite knowing better, I wear my heart out on my sleeve only time and time again to get it stamped out on the floor. I know there’s a better way, I know I should guard it, I know this is not how God wants me to spend my time. But Despite everything I know. I continue to leave it unguarded, to leave it vulnerable. I wish I knew why.

    For the third time in a row, I got captivated by a girl I really knew wasn’t a girl I should be captivated by. For the third time in a row, I fell for a girl who I really knew was too far away to fall for. For the third time in a row, I let my heart wander too far when I really knew I shouldn’t let it wander that far. Even though we weren’t dating, just flirting, I let my heart grow too fond, to the point I badly wanted to date and it felt almost like we were dating. The first time, I found out the girl did drugs and not only that, just took the pills that were handed to her without asking what they were. The second one got engaged to her best-friend out of the blue. This one decided to start dating a guy she told me she knew isn’t worth dating, but is willing (quote) “to give him a try” (end qoute).

    I bit my tongue, well tried to. I’m not good at holding it, even if bitten down on. I’m also not good at saying what I really want to say either. “Willing to give him a try” is right up there with “I want to find someone like you” on my list of infuriatingly stupid phrases. If he’s not worth giving a try and you know this because you hang out with him all the time, what is dating him going to change? When a person is around his friends, they show their true colors. The grand majority become fake when dating. They put on their nicest clothes, take on their finest manners, and even some go so far as to pull on their best vocabulary to impress someone.

    If the guy is a prick to you around his friends when you’re not dating, it’s a good sign he’ll be a prick to you when you are. Oh not at first, no, he’ll entice you by being nice at first, but once you’re snared, he’ll go back to his old tricks. I used to be this guy, sadly enough. I saw these kinds of guys were getting all the girls so I became one. Dumb reason, I know, but I was a dumb person. Not to say that I’m not dumb anymore; I’m just a different kind of dumb as mentioned in the previous paragraphs.

    I just wish her the best in this. As for me, I really need to just continually remind myself that this need to have someone in my life isn’t really a need, but a want. It’s a gift from God that He does not bestow upon everyone and I’m merely being selfish, focusing away from him and coveting. In the deepest sense, I’m coveting another man’s wife. I don’t want anyone’s wife specifically, I just want a wife, but why do I want a wife? Well, because I see the married couples around me and I say, “I want that! I want to be married, I want to have a family, I want to have a house, I want to have a dog, I want to have a white picket fence; I want the whole nine yards.” Isn’t that what coveting is? And it’s selfish; I want, I want, I want. See? I’m focusing on me and my wants, not I Am and His wants. What does I Am want?

    It’s moments like this that I find myself understanding God and his commandments better. Most of the world looks at them and says, “God’s a cosmic buzzkill.” I say His commands are showing you the very keys to happiness and not even I can seem to remember that. Why does He say not to covet? Because it makes you want what you don’t really need. The want turns to envy, the envy to frustration, the frustration to anger, and the anger to bitterness. I’m currently at the frustration stage, and unless I actually do something about it, I fear it will soon reach anger, and then bitterness. The problem is, the envy is towards other people; but the frustration, anger, and bitterness are toward God for what we perceive as Him not meeting us our “needs”.

    I just pray that you all pray for me. I know I’m reluctant to ask for prayer on myself, which may seem a selfless thing, but it’s really selfish pride and partly fear. For the Selfish part, Toast put it quite well today at 4th Memorial’s College Group when he talked about people trying to build themselves up to be better than what they are. For the fear part, Dave Thule put it quite will when he was talking about fear of rejection and ostracization. Pray for me none the less, I’m trying to be more transparent than I have been.

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  • “She Cries Out, She Cries Out, ‘I Want to Be Like the Movies Stars and Models on the Screen’”

    I write this in response to my feelings and concerns about our generation, which I am seeing first hand in so many of my non-Christian female friends, and some of my non-Christian male friends. Just the torment they face daily in trying to live in this corrupted society that we call America. We’ve overextended ourselves trying to live “The Dream”. We all want these perfect little lives, lived out in these perfectly sculpted little bodies, doing what Cosmo and Maxim tell us to do and how to be. And they dare call me, as a christian, the one brainwashed. I’m not popping pills to cope with depression. I’m not killing myself slowly trying to amass a fortune thinking it will make me happy. I know that it won’t make me happy. Looking back, I had all the material possessions I wanted growing up as a kid and was always unhappy, always wanting more because what I got didn’t make me happy. There’s a hole that we try to fill to make us happy. It’s a God shaped hole, and nothing but the love and grace of God and the peace that He gives can ever fill it. Money doesn’t fill the hole. Guys or girls don’t fill the hole. Cars don’t fill the hole. Nothing but God fills that hole. Everyone seems to be unhappy with their lives when they try to live in the world around us.

    I feel that everyone really deep down actually, to some degree, acknowledges that nothing in this world will ever make us happy, but not everyone is willing to believe that there might be a loving God with something so much better for them. There is so much more for them with God. I don’t know how to describe the feelings I have had since I decided to live how God had said to live. I rarely feel stressed anymore, rarely depressed. If I feel any of those two feelings, I’ve found that I’m slipping into the standards of this world and not God’s standard.

    God didn’t create us flawed, we let our society percieve us as flawed. We demand perfection in a world that isn’t and wasn’t designed to be perfect. We have these impossible to attain standards of how we should look, how we should run our lives, and what we should have. Women don’t need to all be 6 foot tall with 32D-26-28 measurments, blonde hair, and blue eyes, who just accept that most of the guys they keep finding are complete jerks. Men don’t need to be 6′5″, ripped, and don’t need to sleep with every girl they meet to be cool. That’s the opposite of how we should be. Now I don’t mean it’s a green light to be obese, for that puts unhealthy strain on your body and God wants us to do what we can to remain healthy. However, we should realize that the soul is what counts. The soul is all we will have when we die.

    Girls, God has so much more planned for you. He created you and made no mistakes, despite what Cosmo may tell you. Cosmo and its advertisers don’t want you to be happy despite the claims of their articles. You know why? Happy people are content with what they have and content people do not spend billions of dollars on cosmetics and cosmetic surgery that is supposed to make you happier. God really doesn’t give a rip about how your make-up and clothes look, or how big your breasts are. He searches deeper within, and all those things tell Him are how much you care about what people think about you and about not Him.

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  • How Do You Get To the Martin Center?

    Today was an awesome day. I had Something Corporate Tickets for tonight, making studying at school today so hard to concentrate on, but fortunately it all breazed by in a hurry. I was so stoked. I’ve been listening to Something Corporate for like 3 years now and I finally got to see them live. It was so sweet! Unfortunately, they only let students from Gonzaga U on the floor, so I had to sit up in the bleechers, but it was still a great time. A local band called Fighting for Nothing opened for them and they were mediocre, but Something Corporate is way sick live! I got to hear “Constantine”, “Straw Dog”, “Fall”, “Only Ashes”, “I Want to Save You” (they did it acoustic), “Cavanaugh Park”, “Punk Rock Princes”, “21 and Invincible”, “Down”, Ruthless”, “If you C Jordan”, “Space”, “I Woke Up in a Car”, and they did “Hurricane” as an encore. Now if only I can get to sleep.

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