Into the Blue

This Vapor We Call Life

October 10th, 2011

Today, I attended the memorial service of a guy I graduated high-school with. While we were never all that close in school or after it, I still felt compelled to pay my respects. It was not that the man was unlikable that I was never close to him, but that we ran in different circles in high school. Such is the reality of public high school society; you identify people with their cliques and not with their attributes. After school, I didn’t keep contact with many. It saddens me a bit to realize I’ve failed to stay in touch with any of the people I went to school with.

Since his death, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life; something that the death of those around me seems to always bring on. As when Jack died last year, I felt almost a sense of shame at the memorial. Both men have left a large impact on a great many people, and a great many people came to remember both. I fear that the same would not be said of me if I were to die today. Who could say the world lost anything in my passing? What mark would I leave? I’m afraid either list would be short.

For a brief moment; I felt as though such thoughts were selfish, but soon I realized God is using this shame to spur me on and take me out of this malaise I’ve been mired in for too long. Satan would be thrilled if I hold on to that feeling of selfishness and avert from doing anything of worth. I must be on guard, however, to not venture too far the other direction. It is possible to become prideful and boastful in one’s good works. No, any good works I do must be properly attributed to God’s work in me and through me. For I well know that it is only by his providence, guidance, and power that I am even where I am today.

I feel stirred to try and get into flight school again and finish what I started so many years ago. I should have finished five years ago, and be well on my way into my career. I could be doing something with my life, and doing something I love and enjoy. Mike is unable to finish his dream, so I feel I should finish mine in his honor.

I also feel shame that while his faith was growing, mine was waning. He was gaining strength from the Lord, and I was seeking strength in myself. I need to seek after the Lord again. I need to take hold of Him again. God used Mike in these short few months of his remaining life and it’s inspiring. It was clear at the memorial that he has already inspired several people. I pray that the testimony of his life reaches others yet.

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